© Deanna Smith
I never rejected the languages of my ancestors
in favour of English
I never had any choice
sometimes my own voice
sounds like clanging cymbals in my ears
and after years
of these foreign tongues being jammed down my throat
it would take a geo-political
ethno-cultural Heimlich manoeuvre
to get them out
I have no doubt
that this is the source of deeply rooted conflict
this “first” language I’m stuck with
the language of Shakespeare and Chaucer
and “yessir Mr. Boss’sir”
the language of slave ships
and cracked whips
and horror
I could use another language
at my disposal
mais ça serait pareil
à la fois Voltaire et des ongles sur un tableau dans mes oreilles
u otro
sería lo mismo
cómo hablar de dolor en el idioma que lo causa
sometimes I dream that speaking Hausa would make me feel better
maybe Wolof, or Igbo, or Twi
anything to let me tell my story more honestly
because honestly
what kind of artist paints in their own blood
who dances in shackles
who photographs in X-rays
we do
Black writers who use languages like English, French, Spanish
and others
never the languages of our foremothers
we do
the grandchildren of griots
write stories meant to be spoken
our pens choking on every word
so it is not absurd
to question the languages in which we ask questions
they say it is impossible to tear down massa’s house with massa’s tools
that this is a quest for fools
we know
those who have mastered the tongues of masters know
it costs
but what is lost between
the soul and the page
the mind and the stage
is what I seek.
I seek
what was meant to be mine always
and in all ways
I will speak it into existence
call forth the stories of the ancestors
sing of the ones who were silenced
draw breath for the ones
whose throats were crushed
or swung or slit
I am sick of it
but it is all I have
yet, even with this forked tongue
I remain the answer to their prayers
supplications made in languages I have yet to learn
but know
like I know my bones
like I know my skin
and in the depth of this double mindedness
in the bleakest hour of this dissonance
I will speak
because I never rejected the languages of my ancestors
in favour of English
I never had any choice
so, with this voice
with this breath
with my life
I will honour them.
