Bold, quirky, political and witty: All describe Montreal singer/songwriter/spoken wordsmith Cheryl Neill. Cheryl brings a theatricality, a grin and a bite to her audiences with her highly original and innovative pieces. Some have been commissioned and aired on national radio. You can find out more about Cheryl at: www.cherylneill.com

Click here to hear the low bandwidth mp3. Text below. Click here to hear the high bandwidth mp3. Text below. **Songs recorded by Charles Frost, Recording Engineer

Holy Crap - Orange Alert

By Cheryl Neill

It's Orange Alert! It's Orange Alert!
I’m sitting and watching my TV
Trying to get a little rest from my hectic routine
But the news is all bad,
The reports are depressing
and it’s really, really hard to
Keep from stressing,stressing,
I’m stressing out!

I mean, I could be dead without lifting a finger from
All the things that can go wrong these days,
I figure there are just too many ways
To be snuffed out at any moment
Besides the usual things like
A heart attack or
being hit by a train
Or dying in a car crash,
or on a plane
Or getting Cancer...

Now I also have to think about the new kinds of plagues!
I could get Horrible Things, I mean, like AIDS..
Almost 50 million people have HIV in the world today
I say again 50 million people!

Kind of takes your breath away
And what if it mutates or escalates?
Makes me think twice about going on a date
Or contemplating making more than a casual acquaintance

Just stepping outside seems a risky state
Of affairs…
Mosquitoes could bite me and give me West Nile Virus
Although I’ve never been to Egypt, home of Osiris
Or been to the banks of the Nile
but thanks to the new supersonic style jets
I can get new exotic afflictions I haven’t even heard of yet
And even the air I breathe could be lethal to me
I could get SARS from inhaling it into my lungs
Or I could catch something by touching a seat or a rung in the subway
And what about that Mad Cow Disease?
Doesn't that make you feel weak in the knees at the thought?

And of course I have not even talked yet about snipers in the streets
And suicide bombers, and other terrorists I could meet
Whose only goal in life is to attack The West...

And although terrorists are not exactly my best friends
I have no personal quarrel with them either--
But still, I know I could end up dead
If they blow us and themselves to tiny shreds
And I’m trying hard to keep some kind of perspective
In the midst of all this information rolling around in my head

But inside…I’m always in a state of Orange alert
Just like on CNN
I’m on Orange Alert every minute of the day
I could die any second!
Right now! Today!
And it’s making me crazy
Makes me fed up
‘Cause the thing is
I don’t really know what is an actual threat
and what’s just made up to scare me
To let the government boys do what they want to do…
When it comes to War anyway
So… how can you tell a lie from what is really true?
Cause it just seems to me—

When it comes to the Story of Politics
There are too few Janes involved

and way too many Dicks
If you get my drift
And it’s all very confusing this system they’re using
To tell us how afraid we should be
You see

It seems right now we’re on Orange Alert
Which is one step worse
than a Yellow Alert… !
But not as bad as a Red Alert
The last thing you want is a Red Alert!
Our terror is measured by degrees
But what is the difference between the three?
Well, ‘Red' is the worst’ say the Powers that be
But... Curiously
They never want to see red
Except figuratively

Because, well, actually
the stock market plunges when the Alert reaches Red
People panic and take to their basements and attics instead of shopping,
They just stop...They're too anxious to go spending,
in the midst of an impending attack
And once they’re THAT worried
it’s hard to lure them back out to the malls
to buy more stuff they don’t really need
And we can’t have that after all,
This economy is built and runs on greed
And the rich don’t get richer when the economy recedes
So they call it Orange Alert instead of Red…..,
It suits their needs— It keeps the likes of you and me
walking around with just the right amount of dread
Oh, It’s bad all right...
but not bad enough to make us take to our beds in despair
No. It’s just enough of a scare
to justify aggression and illegal war
To excuse the killing off of foreigners by the score
Orange makes people think things could get worse!
So kill the enemy quick! Before they kill us first!

Yes! It’s Orange Alert!
It’s Orange Alert!
You could be killed or maimed or hurt
Or shot, or poisoned, or mangled or burnt
Without any notice!It’s Orange Alert!
The language of terror… It’s serious shit!
You could die! You could die! You could die!
End up in the dirt or under it…
Collateral damage,War wise

Well, it’s no surprise some people are drugging or

arming themselves up to the eyes
I know it’s enough to drive normally sane people to
The hardware store to buy duct tape
trying to save themselves from microscopic germs
from which, by the way, there is no escaping
Tape, tape, taping themselves into their houses and into knots
And buying little masks to wear on their faces to ward off invisible pox
To keep them as safe as humanly possible
From all the air born infections and sinister plots brewing out there
I mean, people have to do something!
You can’t just lie down flat like a doormat
And let the worries of the world walk all over you
So, It’s Orange Alert, it’s as simple as that!

Well, I go for a drive to clear my mind
And after a time...
I end up at the mall-- myself!
And there, on a bench, by the fake water fall
I see an old man and an old woman
The woman is wearing a jaunty hat
That says “I’ve been to Lourdes”
You know-- that place of miracles in France
and I wonder if she found anything there
Besides commercial stands in the grotto
Selling Jesus and Mary tee shirts and hats with religious mottoes

And I wish that Orange Alert meant
Watching Out For Angels
Instead of bombs and disease
I know these days, people are flocking back to churches
Falling to their knees begging for relief
But praying hasn’t worked that well in the past,
The victims of Crusades and plagues and bomb blasts
and the rages of insane politicians throughout the ages
has proven that.....

But still...
We’re waiting for a miracle
We’re praying for a messiah
We’re asking for deliverance
Or a sign from on high
Or a super hero please won’t you consider stopping by
after work
We’re on Orange Alert
Orange Alert

It's Holy Crap--
Orange Alert

© Cheryl Neill